Dear Heather and David,
First, thank you so much for dinner, but I have a bone to pick. When you say things like "Please come to dinner, we're having pasta," what you're really saying is "We have chocolate." I know this is probably a sensitive subject which is why I'm putting it a blog where maybe one day you will stumble across it and then — after we've all had time to cool down — we can discuss it like rational adults. Because right now I'm a bloated rage-filled sack of anger — how could you do this to me?!
You say, "Oh, the cat will be so excited to see you." But when you step away from the door as you greet me, what do I see but a small bowl of Lindor™ chocolates in the living room partly hidden by a pine-cone decoration leftover from the holidays. If you want to help me with my diet, then you really shouldn't leave Toblerone Minis™ locked away in the upper cupboard that's so easy to get to with a footstool. Seriously, what are you thinking you thoughtless, cruel people?!
I think I might need to isolate myself from further deceptive invitations like, "We're going to a movie, wanna come (to the candy-and-salt-laden-treats screaming at you from behind glass counters the second you walk in the door!!!!)," and "We're going hiking (with bags and bags of trail mix filled with macadamia nuts, chocolate, coconut, and marshmallows that will have you jonesing for it so bad you'll contemplate killing us to get at it)!!"
I'm just not sure if you're the kind of friends I want to have so soon after the start of a so-far- successful New Year of exercise and eating right. I hope you understand.
- Your Friend