Dear Running Lady with Happy Dog,
Your dog ran up into my driveway this morning, bounding up with all his jaunty big-eyed happiness. I'm assuming he was off a leash because he's running with you. Well what he's really doing is darting off to terrorize hapless birds and innocent chipmunks (who could ever hurt a chipmunk!?) while you jog along, oblivious to the terror campaign being wrought by your incisor-teethed unleashed canine.
Furthermore, you might think that little Blondie is happy and healthy because he looks forward to these daily runs with mommy. Well what happens when Mommy gets a cold, or breaks her leg skiing in Aspen and he has to just lay on the floor pining for the days when he used to terrorize small woodland creatures? If you think that is responsible parenting, I shudder to think what illusions your children must be under.
My suggestion is that you and your dog just stay home so that none of us have to suffer any disruptions in the future. We'll all be much happier that way. You can exercise inside your home on a TotalGym™ or BunFlexer™ or some other such product while Blondy gets his own exercise inside his kennel, or the slippery surface of the bathtub which is really just like a treadmill for dogs. When the clickety-clack of his tiny claws stop, you know he's reached his daily quota.
- A Concerned Neighbor