Monday, January 16, 2012

Garnier Fructis Spot Corrector™? What's Next?

Watch the commercial on Vimeo:

First of all, the name Garnier Fructis is just about unpronouncable, and sounds like something an exterminator might warn you is killing your lawn. "Ma'ma, I'm's Garnier Fructis, please put on this mask, pack one bag and get ready to leave."

Second, these women who supposedly need Garnier's new signature product Dark Spot Corrector™ are maybe mid-30s. Just look, LOOK at their supernaturally beautiful, clear skin. These glamor gals are decades, DECADES, away from anything approaching an age spot. And even if they do get one, they'll probably have their agents and managers outsource it to someone in a third-world country.

Third, the ad announces that the dark spot corrector is "powered by pure, potent Vitamin C," that targets dark spots, age spots, and even acne marks. If I'd known Vitamin C was this powerful, I would have been soaking in Minute Maid™ concentrate all these years.

And I'm beginning to wonder if my parents and I were really drinking orange juice all those breakfasts when I was growing up. I mean, I had some acne, and my parents got age spots. Maybe I should write Minute Maid™ to see if maybe something leaked into the Florida soil in the 70s and 80s robbing their orange groves of vital, miraculous Vitamin C.

Or maybe, like in the commercial, we should have applied it topically... It's kind of mysterious because just look, LOOK at that animation. It's like a combination citrus/transporter that you might see in a StarTrek™ movie if Minute Maid™ were their corporate sponsor.

Gosh, I sure hope that Garnier Fructis didn't seep into Florida's groundwater from some leaky above-ground storage tank that was neglected by a greedy corporation more concerned with beautifying the world through chemicals than complying with safety regulations. If it did, this could turn into a TV movie starring Lindsay Wagner as the the granny/DA whose grandkids are suffering liver spots in high school. And she could battle 70s-superstar Linda Carter as the granny/MILF age-spot free corporate attorney who's opposing her.

And if they got into a cat fight and fell into a tank of Garnier Fructis, well, it could spawn a TV series with younger Lindsay/Linda look-alikes of glistening, age-spot free power babes ready to fight for justice, beauty, and shimmering hair that could launch a whole new wave of products. Garnier Fructis™ this is your chance! Take it! Take it now!

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