Can You PLEASE Eat That Chocolate Cake Somewhere Else?!?

Skinny girl in red coat, can You PLEASE Eat That Chocolate Cake Somewhere Else?!? For God's sake, it's February! A month AFTER New Year's Resolution! Don't you have any compassion for the chronologically challenged?!?

Ok, (breathe, breathe). Clearly I need to calm down. But girl in red coat, have the decency to be sensitive to the needs of others. We're not all 20ish with a pixie cut and Clinque™ skin. I know what you're doing with that smile, tossing around your youth like you don't all know we're looking at you. I see the way you're ignoring the "old man in the corner."

What I really love is how you leave part of the cake just sitting there, uneaten, seducing me with it's dark chocolaty goodness. I bet you think that I'd wait for you to leave and then swoop down on the the couch and eat whatever's left over because I have no self control. Well you're wrong you youth-obsessed fountain-of-youth harpee!

I would wait for you to throw it into the garbage, and then I would start a fire in the bathroom and while the staff was busy stopping us all from being burned to death, I'd go into the garbage and eat that cake without one ounce of guilt! Stop looking at me!