Saturday, January 14, 2012

Publishers, I DARE You to Publish Me

Dear Publishers,

Hey, you know what publishing industry? I don't even WANT to get published anymore. That's right, I think I'm moving on to the music industry. After nearly 20 years of you throwing yourself at me, I've had enough.

When you do things like repeatedly play hard to get with personalized rejections letters that say, "While this project is not right for me, I wish you luck in placing it elsewhere," is it really a final rejection? If so, why do I see you at local restaurants with other editors and agents I've been stalking since meeting them at the 94 annual conferences I attend, manuscript in hand. I know, I know, I can be hard to resist, but this year, I'm DARING you not to publish me.

That's right publisher, agents, editors (and even assistants looking to start their own client list), now I'M the one playing hard to get. How about that? Just try to get to my secret location in Decatur, Georgia where the only sign of my presence is the '94 Geo Metro with Kansas plates in the driveway. Bet you can't find THAT with a map. And I have NOT payed local cab drivers to be on the lookout for "New York publishing types" at the airport. And no, I didn't bribe them by giving them my Netflix password. That is absolutely something that I would not do.

So if you want me New York publishing industry, ya'll are just gonna have to come digging around! And you'll be lucky if I have not just jetted off to Nashville where I've been offered a lucrative contract by a recording executive when he heard me singing along to Kenny Chesney on my headphones on a recent Greyhound bus trip. Just wait and see, you'll regret not signing me when you had the chance!

- Anonymous Writer

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