Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Christine, your "Ryan Gosling Window™" is now open.


First, I know you're married, and you already have a son. But I also know that you're a generous woman looking for more in her life than "just marriage." I know that deep down, you are torn apart by the conflict of married life vs. a life with Ryan Gosling. I think I have a solution.

I don't normally read People™ Magazine (Harrison Ford once called it Peep-Hole) ever since it lowered itself from semi-respectable journalism to tabloid imitator. But I was at the gym watching back-to-back episodes of LAW & ORDER and THE CLOSER (I just love that Kyra Sedgwick), when I spotted the newest People™ (cover story MURDER AT THE PALACE. No, THAT story is NOT about Ryan Gosling — center of the male-beauty universe — but from the positioning of the headline (looming black letters emerging from behind Sandringham House), you'd think that the murder happened AT the palace, right there in the Queen's bedroom with her caught over the corpse with an ancient family dagger, but I digress.)

Despite the MURDER AT THE PALACE cover, this week's People™ is really all about Ryan Gosling's window of availability. I know, I know. It may not read like that on first viewing, Christine, but let me break it down for you. By the end of paragraph three of this blog post, you're going to have the kind of God-spoke-to-me clarity normally reserved only for end-of-the-world-date revisionists and Pat Robertson.

Now, Ryan has often stated that his relationships to Sandra, Rachel, and Blake were all victims of the eternal Hollywood struggle between love and work. It's just so difficult to balance international stardom and candle-lit dinners; everyone knows how that is, right. BUT, Ryan has been quoted more than once as saying that once he starts making babies (isn't that cute, like the little ones will just pop out onto a conveyor belt or something), his career will take a back seat. You heard him Christine: IT'S EITHER ONE OR THE OTHER. And here's where your Ryan Gosling Window™ comes in, Christine.

Eva Mendes (just think of your smile, but with darker skin), his new squeeze is "ambivalent" says a source at People™ about kids, while Ryan on the other hand "wants a family." Now Christine, if that doesn't scream Opportunity™, I just don't know what does. PLUS, Ryan loves candy and Disneyland!!!

Well guess who has wide access to candy (you) AND a season pass to Disneyland™ (you)!!!! If there was ever a sign from God that you should pile John and little Henry into your Honda Fit™ and enter into a confusing polygamous relationship as Ryan Gosling's babymaker, this is it!!!

Good luck, Christine. And let us know how it goes!

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